I’m all out of sorts

Are you singing “All Out of Love,” by Air Supply yet? Let me assist:

But I digress…

And that’s the problem. I’m just in a digressing mood. I can’t settle on anything. My “Lessons at Sunrise” was stupid, in part because the sun seemed to suffer from some discombobulation, too. I mean, it just didn’t come up this morning. I got to my soybeans, I positioned the tri-pod, and it got light, but the sun didn’t make an appearance until about two hours later. It was as out of sorts as I am: Should I rise? Maybe I won’t. Will anyone notice? I should rise, but I don’t really want to. I’ve risen so many days in a row–what’s one little break? Screw it. I’ll just do it!

Yesterday, I twice walked by a wounded bird. It was valiantly trying to fly, but it clearly had a broken wing. I knew yesterday that I was witnessing the “before” for this bird. And this morning, when I went for my first walk to try to shake this malaise, I found the remains of what is now decidedly the “after” for that poor little soul.

I know that owls, foxes, hawks and other animals have to eat, but I just wish everyone wanted to eat green beans and oats and the like. Dr Marry asked me to “consider the plants” when I posed this question to him. That’s his nice, non-confrontational way of saying, “Don’t be a dullard–meat is fantastic.”

But I digress…

I think I got cocky about my “new” rhythm, assuming (incorrectly as it turns out) that in the nine days since my first round of this unease, I had shaken it and formed a completely new set of habits that would just carry me going forward. I was utterly certain that Dr Marry could come visit (wouldn’t change that, regardless this dumb day’s outcome, likely in part from that disruption) so far into my time away that it wouldn’t throw my routine into chaos. Turns out my confidence was misplaced.

Celebrating the 19th anniversary of the day we met with a Curious Elixer nonalcoholic drink.

Today, I find my mind wandering to my real job–something I truly have thought about for about 4 collective minutes this entire time. I’m antsy; I can’t focus on anything. I think about what might be waiting for me when I get back. I’m attempting to calculate how I can keep the new commitments I’ve made going on top of my already demanding workload. I’m wondering how to maintain this level of writing, thinking and varied content creation up when tasked with leading, advocating, fundraising, gathering, networking, programming, writing, filming, supporting…

And I suppose I know that, in all likelihood, I can’t. I need Hermione’s Time Turner, but I don’t seem to have access to one…well that, and as far as I know, they don’t exist.

What I don’t want to do is spend these last few days anticipating all the what ifs and obligations of when I enter back into my “regular” life. Like Thoreau, “I [want] to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan.” And like Thoreau, despite being in a remote place, I am enjoying the niceties of my time. In his case, it was his mother doing his laundry and cooking for him; in mine, it’s having my computer, Internet, electricity and indoor plumbing.

But I digress…

I’ve already walked 17,169 steps today in an effort to shake the doldrums away. I think I’ll close my computer for the rest of the afternoon and just sit in this stew of my own making (bean and vegetable, thank you very much!). After all, it’s often when we least expect it that inspiration strikes.

“For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn’t really know, doesn’t really know…”

Everybody sing with me now: I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you…

But I digress…

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