Sometimes I wish life were more binary. I want to be stretchy. Period. I don’t want to be stretchy and chasey, although truthfully, being chasey sometimes drives me to figure things out just to alleviate my envy. But it’s hard to live simultaneously with those two qualities because the chasey feels like it is drowning the stretchy, and I know that the stretchy just needs more time.
Pre-2017, we didn’t have money conversations. We had money arguments. From his side, I was nagging, questioning, accusing; from mine, he was obfuscating, lying, paying no attention. We never, and I do mean never, had a “good” conversation around money.
We talked for awhile, this man, whose name I heard as Matt, and I. He was relatively drunk but so, so pleasant…and that accent! My biggest concern was, interestingly, not the drinking. I could excuse that because his family were over from England, and it was their last night, and you know how the Irish can drink (somehow that was comforting excuse. Hindsight!). No, my biggest concern was his swearing. I’d never heard those few words used so effortlessly in many parts of speech in my life.
So I try to keep September 10, 2001, always present in my mind, even though I can’t tell you a single thing that actually happened on that day. I keep it present because that day is a perfect example of the “before” time to whatever instance abruptly stops you in your tracks and hijacks your world. Before the diagnosis. Before the accident. Before the breakup. Before the ______________.
We didn’t just talk about addiction, of course, because these men, and the other woman and I are more than the product of this disease, which steals from every person with whom it comes in contact. But it was so easy to ask questions, to recall a similar experience, to look at this couple, who in many ways are a mirror of us, and see where we had been, where we are and what damage still lingers. Because believe me, no matter how much better it is, no matter how fabulous it is, in fact, there is lingering damage. Scars heal over time, stop being red and raw, but never go away entirely.
Thanks for joining us on this journey–remember to share these with anyone you think might find value. We believe they aren’t just useful to addicts and spouses/partners of addicts, but to people going through life. We all have to live with vulnerability, manage complex emotions, reflect on our own role and take responsibility for it and everything else.
Welcome to week 2 of Daily Dose of Dr Marry and DD. If you’re struggling with addiction or are partnered to an addict, you’ll find useful nuggets in one or many of this week’s episodes. If you’re just a “run of the mill” person with no addiction in your life, first, count your lucky stars, and second, you’ll find ideas to consider in your own life as well.
So every weekday morning at 8:30am, Dr Marry and I will go live with a “Daily Dose of Dr Marry and DD” on my public Facebook page for no more than 15 minutes all around one focused idea. They are a quick, mindful way to start your day with tips, ways to reframe your thinking or an important idea to consider.
So we’re launching a daily, short (no more than 15 minutes and often quite a bit less) Facebook livestream focused on one topic around our story–our experience of Dr Marry’s fall into addiction and our shared journey to sobriety. Our plan is to do them at 8:30am starting today.
But in the midst of all of those “problems” or “failures” is a simple story about Dr Marry and his keys. A story he told me sometime in early May that has stuck with me, like so much of what he has casually said in these three+ years since he got sober.