But it’s hard to play defense against a player you’ve never encountered. Turns out that the x I was trying so desperately to solve in the equation was something utterly out of my control: another person and his secrets. I grew up in a household where one person managed and controlled all the money, and that one person was not even the one making the money. Some stuff becomes hardwired in your brain, even if you know it’s not absolutely correct. This was one of those things.
I simply don’t care about bean counting. In fact, Quinn and I took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University program at our church when he was in high school. Dave’s a bean counter; I knew pretty quickly it wasn’t going to resonate with me despite some good ideas. That and he’s one of those conservative religious guys who says things like, “Guys, you know your wife’s gonna shop, right?” [barf!]
Pre-2017, we didn’t have money conversations. We had money arguments. From his side, I was nagging, questioning, accusing; from mine, he was obfuscating, lying, paying no attention. We never, and I do mean never, had a “good” conversation around money.
We didn’t just talk about addiction, of course, because these men, and the other woman and I are more than the product of this disease, which steals from every person with whom it comes in contact. But it was so easy to ask questions, to recall a similar experience, to look at this couple, who in many ways are a mirror of us, and see where we had been, where we are and what damage still lingers. Because believe me, no matter how much better it is, no matter how fabulous it is, in fact, there is lingering damage. Scars heal over time, stop being red and raw, but never go away entirely.
Thanks for joining us on this journey–remember to share these with anyone you think might find value. We believe they aren’t just useful to addicts and spouses/partners of addicts, but to people going through life. We all have to live with vulnerability, manage complex emotions, reflect on our own role and take responsibility for it and everything else.
Welcome to week 2 of Daily Dose of Dr Marry and DD. If you’re struggling with addiction or are partnered to an addict, you’ll find useful nuggets in one or many of this week’s episodes. If you’re just a “run of the mill” person with no addiction in your life, first, count your lucky stars, and second, you’ll find ideas to consider in your own life as well.
So every weekday morning at 8:30am, Dr Marry and I will go live with a “Daily Dose of Dr Marry and DD” on my public Facebook page for no more than 15 minutes all around one focused idea. They are a quick, mindful way to start your day with tips, ways to reframe your thinking or an important idea to consider.
But in the midst of all of those “problems” or “failures” is a simple story about Dr Marry and his keys. A story he told me sometime in early May that has stuck with me, like so much of what he has casually said in these three+ years since he got sober.
But I was determined not to throw them out only to go and purchase two more chairs. And, truthfully, I really didn’t care all that much. Like most of us, we don’t use our living room all that often, so it was kind of an out of sight, out of mind thing. Also, I’m so not a “matching living room furniture set” kind of person.
So today I sit in my sunroom, overlooking the yard where we happily celebrated making this commitment to each other 12 years ago, and think, as I often have done in these past three years, what if I hadn’t held on?